Yes, I am still working on my project on forgiveness. Much of it is still in my head (I know I know, I need to be writing and drawing it out). I did end up doing a bubble map the other day, which helped me visualize some actual objects and possibilities.

I have decided to create "wall lockets" for each person--there will also be quite a few relating to forgiving myself--with some sort of etching on the outside, and objects inside relating to the situation. Much like drawing dreams, it is hard to visualize some of these and create something physical from something emotional. But, I am up to the challenge.

One thing I have wrestled with in this process of forgiveness is forgiveness relating to abuse. There are a few specific situations in my past which this relates to. One of the first big issues I run into with this part of forgiveness is, once again, the definition. It is one thing when you yourself have changed your personal definition, and are comfortable with it. It is a completely different thing if you tell the person you are forgiving, that you forgive them, and they still have that notion that forgiveness means that what happened was okay.

As I've stated in the past, forgiveness in my eyes does not include forgetting. How can you forget your past? It also does not mean that what happened was okay, but rather that one is acknowledging that what happened happened, it is in the past, and they are letting it go and allowing themselves to move forward with their live without that burden.

Without going into too much detail, there are 4 instances of abuse that I am directly dealing with in this project. In one instance, I have come to the conclusion through many many years of reflection, that this person was incapable of behaving any other way towards me because they didn't know any better. That doesn't mean that what happened was okay, but it helps me understand their actions and makes it easier to distance myself enough to let it go. In another instance, the abuse was horrific enough that the situation will stay with me forever, whether I want it to or not. There are some people that just do not deserve forgiveness and I would never use the term to describe my process of letting go, even if just because I wouldn't want them to think that what they did was okay, or that they got away with it. In a situation like that, I make peace internally, and let it go, but would never let them know that. That may sound contradictory, but I hope it makes sense.

Even now, there are instances that will take years to process still, before any form of letting go is possible.

I have, in the past, gone to counselors for help with various matters of moving forward, letting go, and forgiveness. I strongly urge anyone who feels like they have hit a wall and need a little help, to find a counselor to aid them. It does a world of good, even if it's just for one session, to have an objective perspective on matters.

photo by Marc Duke

I will soon be starting a series of work based on Forgiveness. I don't know exactly how the pieces will come out, if they will be wearable or not, or even the materials involved yet, but that is part of the process, just as forgiveness is a process. This idea was sparked months ago when it became clear that in order to move on with certain parts of my life, I would need to let a few things go. Enter, forgiveness. I have worked for years on forgiveness...I think the first time I ever truly actively worked on it was around the age of 16. My father had moved me up to my mother's at the age of 14 because I'd been breaking rules a lot, and I told him then that I would never forgive him. A couple years later, I decided it was time to forgive my father. I went to my counselor and we talked about what it meant to forgive someone. I think it was easier then because he was my father and beneath all the teenage angst, I loved him and knew that he'd been right.

For other people, it's not so easy. I think we are taught as children, maybe not intentionally, that when you forgive someone, you are basically saying that what they had done is okay, and you are ready to be friends again. As we get older, things get a bit more complicated. A large aspect of forgiveness is the ability to forgive yourself. Sometimes that has to happen before we can forgive someone else.

Without exposing too many details yet...a few years ago, I went to see a counselor. I had become someone that I had vowed never to become, and I had badly hurt someone that I loved. We talked about my definition of forgiveness and I realised that forgiving myself or someone else doesn't mean that what they/I did was okay, it just means that I am recognizing what happened, acknowledging it and the consequences for what they are, and letting it go to allow myself/them to move forward with life. At the time, I was afraid to forgive myself, because that old ingrained definition still hung on. I didn't want to make the same mistakes and hurt someone else, and thought if I hung onto it, I would remind myself never to do that again.

Today, I know that I am older and wiser and won't be hurting anyone anytime soon. My 19 year old self who was aloof and without consequences has grown up. We turn 26 in a few weeks :)

I have actively started the process...and will be documenting it here as well as in my work. Wish me luck, and if you wish to share your stories of forgiveness, please feel free to leave comments or email me at chandler.catherine@gmail.com.

Looking for a Definition

I think as children, we are given the notion that by forgiving someone, you are somehow saying that their actions are okay, or you are dismissing them, and you can be friends again. Ever watch children at play when someone gets hurt? How do they resolve it? The aggressor apologizes (either on his/her own or with prompting from an adult), there's a bit of a time lag, and soon enough the kids are playing once again as if nothing happened.

What is your definition of forgiveness? As we get older, our relationships and experiences get more complicated, along with the emotions that go with them. "Anger" can turn out to be a melting pot of frustration, helplessness, sadness, and hurt. Of course, it could just be anger, but that shows the complexities that come once you learn to sort through and dissect your feelings. I see a lot of people (including myself) struggle with forgiveness because of how we are taught about it growing up.

I have worked very hard to create a working definition of forgiveness for myself--one that makes sense and can allow me to let things go and move forward. Already I have had people show concern that by delving into this, I am living in the past. I disagree. I look at this as a way of moving forward.

Here's an analogy: Imagine yourself as a trunk or chest. Inside are all these memories, some good, some bad. Imagine those memories are something like clothes or photos or cards. I'm going through this chest and purging. I'm picking out things that have been inside that chest for years, maybe down at the very bottom. I'm trying them on, realizing they don't fit or I don't like them anymore, and throwing them out.

Here is my definition of forgiveness...in forgiving someone else, or myself, I am looking at what happened to create the negative emotions. I feel those emotions. I accept the situation. I make amends with myself or the other party. I let it go, and move on. Even just thinking about this gives me a sense of peace.

Now, having said that...there are some difficulties. Sometimes, we have been so hurt by others that even if we want to move forward we don't want to "forgive" them, per se. Why? In my case, there are a few reasons. The first is the age old concept of what forgiveness is. I am amazed at how deeply ingrained this concept is. Something that person did was so wrong, that I could not fathom forgiving them...they do not deserve it. The second reason is something along the lines of feeling like, if this person knew I had "forgiven" them, they might think that what they did was okay. So, in instances like that, my definition or process would change. Instead of the term "forgiveness" being used, I would use something more along the lines of "I am letting this go". It still means that I am moving forward, but it does not send the message that the actions of that person were okay.

Some people may wonder why I am putting all of this out there for people to read. That is simple. I hope that in seeing what I am going through, and seeing my process, others will be inspired to forgive themselves and others in their life, or at least go through some process of letting things go and moving forward. Forgiveness is not an easy process by any stretch...in fact, it can be one of the hardest processes to go through, and I want people to see that, and know that it is okay to struggle with it, too.

Now, time to get to work.

It's been a while since I wrote anything about forgiveness. Around the time of my last post on the subject, I was in the midst of processing a relationship from my past. This is a great example of how one might handle forgiveness when the other person refuses to forgive you, for whatever reasons they have. While in the throws of wrestling with a past relationship and all that it entails, I realized that perhaps part of the problem was that the other person had refused to forgive me. So, I sat down and wrote an email explaining what I am doing (exploring forgiveness) and asked if he had forgiven me or if he could. Just the act of writing that letter made me feel much better. I waited for a response for a few days afterward. None came. So what'd I do? I let it go. I realized that it didn't really matter whether this person had forgiven me or not. What matters is if I forgive myself, which I do. I forgive myself. For what? For hurting someone I cared about dearly. For failing to live up to my own expectations. For choosing a path I swore never to chose. For not realizing sooner that the relationship that he and I were in was destructive from both sides. And, I applaud myself for using those experiences and changing. I am a better person.

This is all a process. One down, more to go.

My mom sent me an email a while ago, with an article on forgiveness from a website called Abundance and Happiness. I have only started reading it today, as once again, I am dealing with the task of forgiving myself. One of the quotes talks about when someone makes the choice to hold onto resentment or "un-forgiveness" against another, which instead of hurting the person they are holding that resentment against, they are hurting themselves. The article also speaks of the negative emotional and physical side effects of holding such resentments against yourself or others.

Say you have hurt a friend...badly enough for you to both walk away from the friendship. But, your actions were with good intentions of helping said friend. Despite all the good intentions, and forgiveness from said friend, I am left with a sense of horrible wrongdoing, regret, and guilt. I now face the task of keeping a balanced perspective on the events that happened, reasons for walking away, and most importantly, forgiving myself. It is a hard task--sometimes much harder than forgiving someone else. But, I am cleansing my body both physically and emotionally, and I no longer want any negative energy in or around me.

How does one forgive themselves? Every person is different. I have learned a lot of different spiritual techniques in the past 10 years, and will probably concentrate on a lot of positive self-affirmations, writing un-sent letters, and reiki.

Hide Me, Keep Me Safe 2006

I previously posted about changing my mind about going to grad school because I wanted to spend time with family and friends who were very ill. Following that post, I pulled my application from one university I had applied to, and decided to wait on the other application to see if I got in. Well, I didn't. Out of 19 applicants, they could only choose 2 or 3, so I was one of the 16 that got turned away. And while I can rationalize a lot of things, it still feels like rejection, and it still makes me question my artistic ability.

On the other hand, this gives me the opportunity to take care of a few things.

1. because I have a degree from a university in Australia (even though I am a U.S. Citizen), I have a lot of hoops to jump through in order to even apply. Hoops that I didn't know about. I now have time to get all of my ducks in a row and ready for next year's applications.

2. I have two series concepts going on in my head that need to start coming out of the wood work:
a. Forgiveness. I plan to make a body of work about forgiveness. There are many facets to forgiveness and many reasons I am choosing this subject, one of which is it is part of my process of forgiving myself and others in my life.

b. She Dreams. I have been having vivid, life like dreams since I was a small child. I remember one distinctly from when I was 4 or 5 that I woke up screaming all of my family's names to. After a particularly vivid dream the other night, I started thinking how some of the elements would make interesting pieces of jewelry or sculpture. I'm thinking large brooches as wall art. Or both. Or something different. We'll see.

I don't know how I'm going to do that, plus production, plus work, but I will find a way.

When dealing with forgiveness, whether it is forgiving yourself or others, keeping perspective can be a very hard thing to do. I am very grateful for my tough experiences in the past, because they have provided me with priceless lessons for the present and future.

For years, I blamed myself for the dissolution of a relationship because I had cheated on my partner. I felt guilty for years and years about how much I hurt them, and how I had become such a bad person. Much of that time, I confused my guilt with feelings of still loving that person, and idealizing them. It wasn't until about 3-4 years after the relationship ended, that I realized during a conversation we were having, that I had lost perspective.

This may sound like a rationalization, but it's not. He reminded me of other things that had happened in our relationship that I had completely forgotten about. I very quickly remembered the path that our relationship had taken, and realized that there were two sides. There were reasons, above and beyond my mistakes, that our relationship was basically doomed from the start. Our relationship served a very important role in both our lives--we both were lonely and needed to know we could be loved, and I believe that my moving to a different city to be with this person was entirely necessary, even if it didn't work out. There were many people I met and lessons I learned in that city, that have helped me become who I am today.

After gaining all of that perspective, everything fell into place. I finally felt at peace, realized that my amorous feelings were actually misplaced guilt, and was able to quickly forgive myself and move on.

I am once again dealing with the dissolution of a friendship, and having to keep perspective while feeling guilty about my role in the dissolution. It's a hard thing. A friendship is a type of relationship, so it feels much like a break up. So I am actually working to remember the bad times, to keep perspective. Sound a little unbalanced? Well, my theory is that the good memories you have tend to remain with you, while the bad memories can easily get pushed under that rug of guilt...at least that's my past experience.

I don't want to feel guilty for years to come. I don't want to blame myself solely for what happened, because I know it's not one sided. In truth, both myself and the person involved have attempted to end this friendship, or walk away before...so I am remembering why. It's just too bad that it's not on better terms this time (but sometimes, that's the only way, right?).

This situation has sapped a lot of my energy the last few months...energy spent worrying, feeling guilty, sad, depressed, etc. I now feel much more peaceful, and just a little sad. But balanced. And looking forward to filling my life with friendships that are healthy and balanced.

Lotus, Adelaide Botanical Gardens, 2004

The lotus symbolises a great sense of peace for me, a sort of "coming together" of the universe. I have experienced a lot of that in my life, and a lot of it lately. Yesterday, I met up with my Uncle Steve for lunch. We went to a french restaurant close to my work. It was wonderful! I have always loved Uncle Steve. He has always been kind, and was the only person aside from my mom, who did not criticize me for hanging out with homeless kids in downtown Portland when I was 14. Instead, he sat down and asked me why I was doing it, and asked me about what they were really using all that "spare change" for. That conversation 12 years ago was a light in a time of darkness for me.

My father's family has never been close...well, not during my lifetime. There are three brothers, and each has their own life, and multiple children. There are First Generation kids (the oldest), and Second Generation (my brother, myself, and step-siblings) kids. The three brothers had their own points of view, their own hang ups, and levels of emotion. I remember writing letters to my Uncle Steve and maybe my other uncle during my first year in Australia, expressing how I wish our family could be closer and that I wished them well. I never received a response, but in this day and age of email, who really expects hand written responses?

When my father died, Uncle Steve was a beacon....he has worked with terminally ill people for most of his career, and has a good amount of experience in dealing with death. I myself have lost a great number of people in my life, so grievance is no stranger. But when it's your parent, it's quite different. I cannot remember his words exactly, but what I do recall is that they were calming and brought a lot of peace at that time.

There have been a lot of issues since my father's passing, with division of property, money, etc. A lot of those issues have caused contention through the family (something I find really sad), so for a couple years, I just kind of stayed out of it. But now, those things are past, and I am able to pick up where we left off and hopefully move forward, and get to know this part of my family who I have always loved and looked up to.

One thing we spoke of yesterday was forgiveness. My uncle was diagnosed with prostate cancer just over a year ago. There are people in the family that know that, and still hold on to their anger, grudges, whatever you call it. I just don't get that. One thing that my father's death taught me was to take the time that we have and make the most of it; that the little things don't matter, and most things that seem big are actually really little.

(Another funny thing in all of this, is that as I was relaying all of this to my brother in law, I mentioned that my cousin is treating my uncle with acupuncture. It turns out that my cousin taught some of his classes during his time in massage school! I love the way the world works with connections like these.)

What I see in my uncle is a compassionate, emotive person who is kind and loves strongly. Unlike his brothers, he is not afraid to show his emotions. What I see in him, is a lot of me. Love for the environment, creatures big and small, history, and family. I have always been a black sheep, but I have also always embraced it.

Baaaaaaaah. :)