In my last post, I used the "D" word--depression. Although, for me, it is often related to the weather in these parts, the recent bout had more to do with the loss of a 15 year friendship. It's been excruciating. I've spent hours, days even, thinking about what I did wrong, who was to blame, what I could have done different...analyzing, dissecting, beating my head against a wall. When the other side is not communicating, there is only so much you can do.
And then....and then....I woke up a couple days ago, checked my email, felt instantly sad, and started the same process as I was driving my husband to work. On the way back, I thought (and excuse my language here), "Fuck this! I am so sick of feeling like this!" Then and there, I decided to allow myself to move on to the anger phase of this process.
Notice the key word there: allow. I had been holding myself back. Holding out hope. I realized that I had done what I could and gotten nothing back. There was no use beating myself up anymore, and I gave myself permission to let go. Knowing that I needed to get angry to move on, I took that next step, and now I am soaring out of the clouds.
My chest feels lighter, the days seem brighter (even when covered by clouds), and I am no longer prone to crying at misplaced jokes in grocery stores.
I listened to this song, a lot:
I listened to TED talks about dreams and forgiveness, as well. And I watched a couple goofy movies while working in the studio.
Best of all, today I realized that I don't want to approach this with anger. That's not really who I am. Sometimes I just need to be angry to move forward. I want to approach this with love. Love and understanding. So now, when I think of that friend, I send this energy thousands of miles:
I am your friend.
I am here for you, always.
I love you and I understand.
I forgive you, I forgive myself.
Forgiveness of self and others is key to moving forward, to keeping a clean soul, and living a happy life. I always include forgiveness of self because no matter how much someone else messed up, there is always an element of self-blame ('I should have known.' 'Why did I let them in?' 'What did I do wrong?').
How do you feel about forgiveness? What helps you 'come out of the clouds'?