Out of the Clouds...

In my last post, I used the "D" word--depression. Although, for me, it is often related to the weather in these parts, the recent bout had more to do with the loss of a 15 year friendship. It's been excruciating. I've spent hours, days even, thinking about what I did wrong, who was to blame, what I could have done different...analyzing, dissecting, beating my head against a wall. When the other side is not communicating, there is only so much you can do.

And then....and then....I woke up a couple days ago, checked my email, felt instantly sad, and started the same process as I was driving my husband to work. On the way back, I thought (and excuse my language here), "Fuck this! I am so sick of feeling like this!" Then and there, I decided to allow myself to move on to the anger phase of this process.

Notice the key word there: allow. I had been holding myself back. Holding out hope. I realized that I had done what I could and gotten nothing back. There was no use beating myself up anymore, and I gave myself permission to let go. Knowing that I needed to get angry to move on, I took that next step, and now I am soaring out of the clouds
My chest feels lighter, the days seem brighter (even when covered by clouds), and I am no longer prone to crying at misplaced jokes in grocery stores.

I listened to this song, a lot:

I listened to TED talks about dreams and forgiveness, as well. And I watched a couple goofy movies while working in the studio.

Best of all, today I realized that I don't want to approach this with anger. That's not really who I am. Sometimes I just need to be angry to move forward. I want to approach this with love. Love and understanding. So now, when I think of that friend, I send this energy thousands of miles:

I am your friend.
I am here for you, always.
I love you and I understand.
I forgive you, I forgive myself.
Forgiveness of self and others is key to moving forward, to keeping a clean soul, and living a happy life. I always include forgiveness of self because no matter how much someone else messed up, there is always an element of self-blame ('I should have known.' 'Why did I let them in?' 'What did I do wrong?').

How do you feel about forgiveness? What helps you 'come out of the clouds'?



  1. One thing I have learned and have been practicing over the past odd nuber of years is that I can only do what "I" can do. I can't control anyone else and really don't want to (no more attempts at manipulation or getting people to do what I want them to do). I can't control others, hell, I can't even control myself some times !( thinking about the spirals into myself or retreating from the world). So I've learned to live and let live, to let go, to pray - a lot.

    I believe in forgiveness - I believe it is a cleansing and a release. I find it harder to forgive myself than others sometimes which is probably part of why I blogged that I am allowing 'me' to be a focus in 2012.

    I honestly don't know what helps me come out of the clouds -- I think its more of an overall thing - as in I spend less time there these days than in the past, for me maybe I'm just overall in a different place than I used to be. I will say though that for me, I have a belief in God and prayer helps when I am completely overwhelmed - 'turning things over', knowing I am not in control of much in this universe. And then I can look at the things I can control and work on those.

    I'm glad you are feeling better - hope it continues and your days are brighter and lighter and filled with joy and peace. :)

  2. I too have found relief in forgiveness and knowing I've done all I can but some people aren't right for my life (and me for theirs), or letting go and moving on with my life. Some people will come into your life and never leave, but some will go. With each, we learn a little more about ourselves and allow room for new people and experiences into our life. Allowing yourself to feel what it is that you need is a good place to start.


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