Clarity After Midnight

 Storm over Coogee Bay, Australia, 2001

In life, it feels like there are rare moments of true clarity. You know, those moments when you can suddenly see things, and people, for what, and who, they are.

This happened recently, during this past winter. It was as if the clouds over my mind and heart started lifting and moving away. They moved gradually, and then one day--blue skies.

It has been 12 years, today, since my father passed away. Not only did I lose one of my closest friends and confidants that day, but I lost a huge part of myself. I shut down. I let fear, originating from anxiety, take over a lot of things--my decisions about the future, my friendships, my relationships.

I am a very self-aware and self-reflective person--I always have been. It has taken years to get to this point of realization. Years of wondering what has been holding me back, and when that started. Years of tracing back memories and incidents. I mean, I was the girl who moved across the world, on her own, because she had a dream of visiting Australia. And then I stayed there for 4 years. This last year, I started wondering what in the world happened to that girl. Where did she go? Once I found the origin, all these puzzle pieces fell into place. I don't know why it took so long, but I am glad that this time has finally arrived. I am now able to see my relationships more clearly. I can let go of past faults and the guilt surrounding them. Best of all, I can stand up for myself as I move forward.

Letting go of the fear is difficult--it has been a companion for so many years now. But who wants to live in fear? I would far rather regret the things I've done and screwed up than the things I never tried. So I am moving forward, out of the forest and into the daylight.

So today, I will celebrate the life of my father as I have in years past. I will also be celebrating the courage he has given me, hearing his hearty, "You Go Girl!" resounding in my mind as I do so.

May your life offer you clarity and blue skies.
Onwards and upwards, dear friends.



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