On Forgiveness: Keeping Perspective

When dealing with forgiveness, whether it is forgiving yourself or others, keeping perspective can be a very hard thing to do. I am very grateful for my tough experiences in the past, because they have provided me with priceless lessons for the present and future.

For years, I blamed myself for the dissolution of a relationship because I had cheated on my partner. I felt guilty for years and years about how much I hurt them, and how I had become such a bad person. Much of that time, I confused my guilt with feelings of still loving that person, and idealizing them. It wasn't until about 3-4 years after the relationship ended, that I realized during a conversation we were having, that I had lost perspective.

This may sound like a rationalization, but it's not. He reminded me of other things that had happened in our relationship that I had completely forgotten about. I very quickly remembered the path that our relationship had taken, and realized that there were two sides. There were reasons, above and beyond my mistakes, that our relationship was basically doomed from the start. Our relationship served a very important role in both our lives--we both were lonely and needed to know we could be loved, and I believe that my moving to a different city to be with this person was entirely necessary, even if it didn't work out. There were many people I met and lessons I learned in that city, that have helped me become who I am today.

After gaining all of that perspective, everything fell into place. I finally felt at peace, realized that my amorous feelings were actually misplaced guilt, and was able to quickly forgive myself and move on.

I am once again dealing with the dissolution of a friendship, and having to keep perspective while feeling guilty about my role in the dissolution. It's a hard thing. A friendship is a type of relationship, so it feels much like a break up. So I am actually working to remember the bad times, to keep perspective. Sound a little unbalanced? Well, my theory is that the good memories you have tend to remain with you, while the bad memories can easily get pushed under that rug of guilt...at least that's my past experience.

I don't want to feel guilty for years to come. I don't want to blame myself solely for what happened, because I know it's not one sided. In truth, both myself and the person involved have attempted to end this friendship, or walk away before...so I am remembering why. It's just too bad that it's not on better terms this time (but sometimes, that's the only way, right?).

This situation has sapped a lot of my energy the last few months...energy spent worrying, feeling guilty, sad, depressed, etc. I now feel much more peaceful, and just a little sad. But balanced. And looking forward to filling my life with friendships that are healthy and balanced.