When the world is so torn, so filled with hatred and hurt that it permeates every thing around us....when I am aching for people I never knew and so angry, so furious at the repetition of it all....when I am so helpless at the same time...I turn to silence. There truly are no words to encompass what much of my country is feeling these days. The tragedy of the past few days...the past few months...the past few decades. The reality that these deaths, murders, and mass shootings are repetitive--that they have become normalized--that is the true tragedy.

It is all so overwhelming and and heartbreaking, and so, I turn to silence. Not out of ignorance or fear--simply from grief.

Within all the disbelief and hurt, I still hold hope--that one day we might stop murdering each other in the myriad of ways that we do and instead build each other up. That we may love and appreciate the differences in our fellow humans. That we may practice good and patience, love and compassion. If it is within me, it is within you too.

May you be blessed, may you hold hope, may you do good.

On top of buying a house.
On top of renovating the garage.
On top of all this topsy-turvy stuff....

We got a dog.



Not just any dog. THE dog. The dog I have been waiting 11 years for. The dog I have been patiently planning for while dog-sitting to get my "fix."

I told my husband when we were buying a house that the order of things would go house-->fence-->dog. Well....the house came with a fence, so that moved things ahead (yay!).

On June 1, we traveled to a small town in northern Washington and picked out our puppy. A little boy pup who is precarious and mischievous and loving.

Introducing Zig Zag Around The Mountain, aka Zig Zag, aka Ziggy.

He loves taking showers with us and carrying his stuffed animals to and from his crate. He passes out in our laps and desperately wants the kitties to play with him. We do sprints back and forth in our big back yard, and he reluctantly walks around the block with us. We are completely in love with him.

Life is happening at a breathtaking place. We still wake up and say "Babe. We bought a house." In the past few months, we bought this house, one of my best friends was diagnosed with and has gone through treatment for breast cancer, I turned 34, and we will soon be getting a puppy. If I think about it all from a distance, it boggles my mind.


We have discovered new places to run and new little cafes to eat and drink at (although we have also quickly realized that we need to hold tighter to our money.) My favorite is the Mexican taqueria up the road where we seem to be the only white patrons and the girl at the counter giggles when my viking husband places his order.

Flowers are popping up all over our garden. I am happy to say that I love the roses that have been planted here. And the irises. And the lilies. We have big plans for the garden, but they will take years to fully be realized (as it should be!).

We ourselves have changed rather quickly. Dave and I are both more inclined to do chores, to take pride in them...maybe even enjoy them. Just like when we got married, there is more teamwork. We are reaching for the same goals.
 In a matter of weeks, the garage has gone from being very much a garage to having insulation and walls. Our wonderful friends helped us sheet rock the ceiling the other day--how quickly 7 hours can pass! We are scrambling to get it finished before we get our new puppy.
I am terribly excited to have a studio space again (and to not have all the studio furniture inside the house). I have no idea what I will be creating, but the desires and urges to get my hand on some metal is real. I have been thinking a lot about really, truly finding my own voice. Honoring those things that interest me. I have been thinking about abstracted flora and fauna, as well as the creation of modern mementos with Victorian jewelry as reference. It's all in my head right now--I should probably sketch it out or at least write notes, but I have gotten worse at that as the years have passed.

I recently listened to the audiobook version of "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert. Honestly, I think that might be the best way to ingest her story. I feel like reading it might make it seem too fluffy, but listening to it in Gilbert's own voice really gives life to the story and the ideas behind it. I can't wait to listen to it again. She echoes a lot of my own ideas about creativity, such as NOT quitting your day job, and how ideas move and flow. Even if you don't believe all of it, it never hurts to be open to new and different thoughts.

Lately I have been thinking about anxiety (I will tell you a story on that soon) as well as what to do when life stops moving forward at such a frantic pace. More on that soon...thank you for being here!

There is something I have been searching for these last few years. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on...a mixture of happiness, contentment, a sense of belonging, elation, peace and hope.

I think I found it.

Bliss.

I haven't felt this way in months, if not years. Perhaps it is the newness of everything, but I think it is more than that. This house is truly our home. We have both achieved a dream that neither of us really saw as a possibility any time soon. I don't know what it was about the old apartment--it was very cute, and close to a really fun neighborhood, but we were both held down by it. We were depressed by it. Perhaps it was less the apartment itself and more that we had been renting for over a decade. I know not everyone is like this, but I am the type of person that is very reluctant to spend my money improving someone else's property (and rental apartments built in the 1950's need a lot of improvement). Not to mention the feeling that it's simply not really yours.

We loved our neighbors (I went to school with most of them), and our neighborhood where we could walk to get brunch, pet supplies, clothes, groceries, etc. On the flip side, there were 3 shootings within a few blocks (two within one block) of our apartment. The apartment was on two busy streets, surrounded by sounds of buses, emergency vehicles, trucks, traffic, and people right outside our windows.

Now, we live in a neighborhood where we hear birds in the daytime and frogs at night. We can walk around and feel relatively safe. We have a lot of space. The air is fresher. The sky is clearer. We are blocks away from a beautiful hiking area. I will take hiking over access to restaurants and stores any day.

On top of hiking and walking and working out, I have been meditating each day. The kitties curl up next to me on the bed and purr while I listen to guided meditations. The home buying process and moving process pushed my anxiety levels so high--to levels I have only felt when a loved one passed away. Once we got moved, I knew that I needed to quickly fix that, and have done so naturally. I have cut out my allergens (including coffee) and increased my intake of vitamins and 'superfoods.' The change is incredible.

As spring takes hold, we get to witness the growth of various plants in our new yard. We have hung a bird feeder and are hoping to attract some new friends. It is a season of renewal and hope, and boy am I feeling it.


I know that happiness comes in different forms for different people--whether you are a world traveler or a homebody, happiness is personal. It is never one-size-fits-all. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are finding happiness and bliss.

Love and Light.

If you had told me a year ago that I would own a house now, I would have laughed at you. A year ago, I was working something like 6-7 part-time jobs just to make ends meet. But, I was at the end of my rope. Mentally and emotionally, I was frayed and fractured and I needed a change. Two things happened: I took a real assessment of what my future looked like and decided, 1. I was not going to pursue a Master's degree, and 2. It was time to get a full-time job.

My best friend had been working at a local jewelry store for some time and mentioned that they had let someone go and she had been promoted to manager. I coyly asked her, "so....does that mean you're hiring someone to fill your position?" She quickly responded, jokingly asking if I was interested. When I said yes, she told me I'd better not be jerking her chain. By the end of April, I had a new job. I thought it would be part time, but they quickly increased my hours to full-time. I let my other jobs go--some quickly, some over the span of a month. By June, I was home free with one full-time job. As an artist, in Portland, that can often seem like some sort of miracle (obviously, I have had to sacrifice my time in the studio a bit, but more on that later).

Fast forward to August when a friend posted a house for sale on facebook. It was a 1 bedroom, 1 bath house in North Portland for $189K. I instantly thought, "What! There's still houses for that little?!" It sparked interested, and David and I started looking at our options--was it even possible for us? Turns out we had some work to do, paying down debt and getting affairs in order. (I'm aware this is an over-simplification of the facts, but you can always ask me details later.)

Now, I'm not going to tell you that the home-buying experience in Portland (especially for first time buyers) is all unicorns and rainbows. I feel like we barely got through it with our skin still intact (and I am still, weeks after closing, dreaming of a weekend I can spend lounging in hot springs). I'm just going to push through all the drama and heartache and craziness and yell....WE BOUGHT A HOUSE!!!

A home of our very own!

We are so excited. Sunday is moving day. We have spent the past couple weeks painting and packing and moving some stuff over (I can't wait to show off the transformation). The other day, I had multiple 'hot dates' with the electrician (to wire the garage so we can finish it to be my studio!), the pest control guy, the insurance inspector, and a rep from ADT. I cannot even tell you how good it feels to have a place of our very own, after 10 years of being together, where we get to really build our future.


As we leave our apartment this weekend, amidst all the joy, I admit to feeling some sadness. We've only been here for 3 years, but those three years were chock full of life changing experiences. When we moved in, this apartment was a desperately needed change after some difficult family trauma. It was a place to heal. It has allowed me to pursue my dream of finishing my degree, and Dave was able to pursue his interests in nutrition and weight-lifting. This apartment saw me through my thesis, sitting at this same table, looking out these same windows. When Sonya died, I stayed in bed for days. This apartment saw me through that grief, and the healing of building the exhibition pieces we had started together.

But slowly, the environment around us has started to erode my creativity and feeling of safety. About a year ago, I was sitting at my desk in the front room when there was a shooting right across the street. I have never hit the floor so fast in my life. I also don't think I have sat at that desk since. There have been multiple shootings in the neighborhood since, and I stopped going outside at night unless I really truly had to. That means no trips to the studio after dark, and rarely would I even feel comfortable walking around the neighborhood in the daytime. That may sound like some paranoia, but when shootings happen in mid-day, you take notice.

I am ready for our own space. I am ready to move forward into this new adventure of our lives. Keep your eyes peeled for before-and-after pictures, as well as studio renovation updates!

Growth is a strange thing. Half the time I still feel so young, and at the same time, I am wise beyond my years. But, I am human. I grew up in households chock full of conflict, and found myself the peacekeeper much of the time. As an adult, it has taken me years to shake away the effects of that upbringing and to re-learn what it means to be in a healthy relationship, what healthy friendships look like, and how to stand up for and take care of myself. Even at 33 this is a challenge.

I am not one for New Year's resolutions, but this time of year does bring about a lot of reflection. I have been thinking about myself, and my actions and behaviors, and what I want to change. Last year, I followed a prompt from my dear friend Jillian and downloaded this workbook by Susanna Conway, and filled (most of) it out. It helped reflect on the past year and focus on goals for the year ahead.

Well, in thinking ahead, I have figured out that two things I want to work on are self-discipline and honesty.

With self-discipline, I'm talking about making plans to go to the gym and following through; not eating the entire box of chocolate; resisting things I know to be bad for me (aka gluten, etc.). And building routines again. For some reason, I have become terrible at routines. Morning, evening, etc.

With honesty, I'm talking less about 'not lying' and more about being honest with myself about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I mentioned being a peace keeper and find that even when I am upset with someone, I tend to talk myself out of confronting them and end up sweeping my feelings under the rug for fear of upsetting others. That fear is deeply rooted, but I am slowly learning that I can speak the truth and while it may upset some, it is not the end of the world. It is a slow process, but I can feel the benefits already.

How are you growing this year? Do you set goals for the new year?